Beginning my natural journey, of which God's only gift to us: money, will not be an object, I strip myself of all but bare necessities. I am left with banana leaves with which I make suitable clothing out of, and a hand-held CD player full of 80's pop. I begin my spiritual journey. Feeling more connected to the earth than ever only three minutes into my odyssey, I decide that traveling by car will not do, even though I do not yet know where I am going at this point. I decide to call up a pack of wolves to guide me to my salvation. Although this is slightly rare in the ninety-seven degree weather in July in Los Angeles, California, I am sure the wolves will be more than willing to join me on my adventure. We are off. About five minutes into the drive (which is being conducted on a sled tied to the wolves), I notice that the ride is not as smooth as I had hoped for, the reason being that the roads are quite rough and apparently not built for sleds, and we seem to be holding up quite a bit of traffic on the 101. I decide to ditch the sled and all but a single one of my wolves, whose back I climb onto and continue my journey as such. About forty minutes in, I notice a grumbling sensation in my stomach. Being away from society for so long, it takes me a while to once again recognize such a sensation as hunger. I had previously decided that nowhere in my spiritual journey should I consume foods that encourage sin, as God had told me in a dream one night that such foods are directly from the devil. Therefore, enjoying the beautiful natural world around me as I park my wolf on the pole of a stoplight on Beverly Drive, I feast on some raw, vegan, organic, gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, low-carb, fat-free tree bark, accompanied by a salad of weeds that were ever so conveniently growing in a flower pot in front of Bloomingdales, and a wonderfully refreshing juice of herbs (as the man had told me as me sold me a bag full of this green substance for quite a hefty price and disappeared before I could even say thanks). Finished eating, I pause and think to myself, "Nature is gorgeous", as a tear drips down my face. With my energy supply replenished, our adventure carries on.
I open my eyes in what seems to be the first time in days, seeing only a blur. I feel an aching pain traveling throughout my entire body, and an emptiness in my stomach. The light that peeks into the small cracks in my eyes blinds me. Have I reached salvation? Has my spiritual journey reached its zenith? Have I finally attained the ability to reach out to God? "God? Is that you God?", I whisper to myself, staring in front of me at what seems to be an angel in white. I later find out that is my doctor, and I am in room 305 of "God's Healing Souls" Medical Center in Nevada City. It turns out wolves really are not suited for California weather, especially with someone on their backs. My little trooper, however, managed to lead me all the way to Nevada City, California, where he and I both fainted: him, from an excess of heat and baggage (me), and me, from a lack of "proper nourishment" and a heat stroke, or so the doctor says. I find myself quite upset, yet manage to ask the doctor for some tree bark and weeds to replenish my energy as he sticks a bendy straw down a packet of pasteurized orange juice from concentrate, puts it in my hand, and shoves a spoonful of Jell-O brand processed chocolate pudding down my throat. I only hope it was gluten free.
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